@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

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@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

@zachreinert03

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

@JohnLyonTweets

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

@UnderTheJewFro

If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

@Classy_Cassy89

My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.