I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
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We need more people like this.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.