I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My dog ate my work from home.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Trumpy Cat
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.