I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what