I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies