Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

🤫

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.