Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Twitter remains undefeated

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Hello Twits.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad