I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Bruh PLEASE
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.