Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

🤣

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!