I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
