I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom