I had a genuine Larry David moment last night
I gave $5 to a homeless woman that turned out to just be a college student who got pissed at me, so I asked for the $5 back and she refused to give it back
You Might Also Like
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
☠️
lmao😭🤣
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
❤️❤️❤️
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.