I had a genuine Larry David moment last night
I gave $5 to a homeless woman that turned out to just be a college student who got pissed at me, so I asked for the $5 back and she refused to give it back
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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The asteroid..
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur