I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.