Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Me in tagged photos

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Ah yes. The three genders

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*