I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
me linking you to my twitter
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this