I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again