My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
You Might Also Like
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant