I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
m’lady
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”