Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

i baked you a cake

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location