Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.