I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn鈥檛 believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 馃槀
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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I鈥檓 a ghost bear!
God: you aren鈥檛 a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that鈥檚 just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Even though it鈥檚 a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don鈥檛 see how that鈥檚-
judge: answer the question
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he鈥檚 now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you鈥檙e sure it鈥檚 a check made out to you.
haven鈥檛 exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it鈥檚 on the table
It鈥檚 not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it鈥檚 a question of when won鈥檛 she
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It鈥檚 Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
