Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.