I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
necessity is the mother of invention
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.