Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?