I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.