Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

My guardian angel deserves a raise

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

A baby bear catches snowflakes.