I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
this is funnier than any friends episode
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.