I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
You Might Also Like
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
New mindset, who dis?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I’m already scared
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.