I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Breaking news:
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
