I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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he’ll never suspect a thing
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?