Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Bootstraps

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Yup.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch