Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists