I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Cool shirt 🙂
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues