I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.