I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
