I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
#Caturday
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis