I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
You Might Also Like
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.