I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
cat vs inanimate object
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life