I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Thursday
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
who will stop them
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
the #horror is real!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*