I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door