I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.