Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!