Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

sugar glider wrangler

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller