I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
they should create new variants of dopamine
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
💀 😭
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.