Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

I never know how much to tip a cow.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.