I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.