I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
WHY would you be happy about this?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Bruh
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙