I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Uh oh 👀
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waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.