Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I might give this a try 😏

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry