I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
