Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good