Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

He took my last fry, your honor

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”