I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
You Might Also Like
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it