I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
He a real one for that
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Natural selection at its finest
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
marvel comics have peaked
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
