I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
