I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
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911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣