I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
For the ones in the back.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
