I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Cndnsd Mlk
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
