I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*jingles half the way*
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
