I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*