I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
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The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I don’t understand what’s happening here.