I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.

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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it


I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.


A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!


*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool


HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”


*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn


A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”


My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.