I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look