I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
oh my god
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
