I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Life hack
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
