I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
