I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.