Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon